i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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