wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
