I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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