I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want nice things and good sex
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
