I haven't been this sober since birth.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
