I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
