I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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