This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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