I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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