from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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