Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
