wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
