My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
