I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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