weddingsv make me drug and hornr
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
