I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
