I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
