Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
