So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
