I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
