xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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