No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
