Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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