He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
