she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
