he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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