Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
