you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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