he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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