I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
