sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
