Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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