Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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