Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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