When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Who wears a wallet chain?!
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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