i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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