is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize