She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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