everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
