he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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