bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
