i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
