Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
