she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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