My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize