I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
