You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
