The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
