I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
