I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
