I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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