i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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