i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
