Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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