i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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