i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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