she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
