If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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