I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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