Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
