We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize