If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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