I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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