Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
