You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
