cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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