His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
